In August 2024, I was delighted to receive acceptance to Aviário Studio in Ferreira do Zêzere, a small town in the heart of Portugal. From September to October, I spent my days painting, attempting to learn Portuguese, and most importantly, playing. Since receiving a BFA, I had partially forgotten how important experimentation and intuition are to the practice of making. I love academic art, it feels like I’m breathing life into a complex idea. It feels important. It’s also nice to have a scripted response when people inevitably ask, “What does it mean?”

However, in my academic career, I forgot that thoughtlessness is just as crucial to painting. ‘Thoughtlessness’ is not exactly the right word- it’s more of a gut reaction. Honestly, when a blank canvas is already designated to an idea, the process of making such a work is far more systematic and thoughtless than it is to muster up the courage to add paint to a free canvas.

Prior to arriving at the Residency, I thought I knew what paintings I would leave with. I had sketches, a half-baked essay, an idea. Though, after exploring the area, and seeing my fellow residents working based on feeling, I scrapped the idea. Frankly, I realized that I was so sick of writing essays before painting. I just needed to slap some paint on the canvas. I wanted to do what my hands told me to do, I wanted to use colors that my eyes wanted to see. I was so inspired by the tranquility of the area, the nature, why not let the paint fall the way it wants to? The two works above began as splatters on the floor- one with water and neon acrylic paint, the other with spirits, oils, and water. From the natural shapes made by the splatter, I went cloud-watching. I actualized the Rorschachs. Instead of breathing life into an idea, I let the canvas breathe life into me.

Of course, the freedom of intuition can only last for so long. Once you see something, you must see it through. I saw my thoughts begin to form into one single image: A meditation on the masculine and feminine. The shapes and colors I apply to sex, to love, to youth and growing up- to the relationship between nature and the standardized.

I got stuck on these ideas. I guess that’s why I didn’t finish them.